For those of you who have just connected, I retired 5 months ago from being a full-time academic after researching retirement planning for nearly 20 years. Now I am focusing on implementing my findings: for myself, for individuals and for organisations. As I promised when I retired, I am providing a month-by-month account of my findings from the other side. Well, it had to happen sometime - this month was not entirely smooth sailing. An ankle injury and the culmination of regular medical tests sucked some of the fun out of the last month.
In this update, I want to talk about questions I’ve been regularly asked: Is it better to retire at the same time as your spouse? How did I decide it was the right time to retire? How do you keep mentally well?
Same or different time as your partner?
Whilst there are published studies pointing to married couples reporting better retirement adjustment, there are other studies that point to the quality of the relationship. When I started planning for retirement, my husband and I were on the same page about timing. But after an unexpected illness and what he felt was unfinished business he decided to delay. I think he was also waiting to see what I did – he didn’t want to retire from a job he obviously enjoyed to bump around home on his own. I don’t think he thought I could honestly drag myself away from work. To some extent that is true I’ve recently picked up a short-term project that has occupied my time, and I will likely continue to do so from time to time.
At first, I was a little resentful because he changed his mind but at the same time I know from my research that encouraging him to go when he was not ready would likely have negative downstream consequences. So, what are the downsides and upsides?
Downsides – I dreamed of getting up every morning at 7am but that’s less common than his usual 6am start. I’m also not a very adventurous solo traveller and he has limited time available for long trips; he takes an interest in my new pursuits, but these are things he is unlikely to share.
Upsides – I’m travelling on my own to places he may not enjoy so much and there is someone to stay at home to look after the house and feed the cats and dog. I’m getting the opportunity to explore independent interests that will be well established by the time he leaves work.
One thing I was conscious of was being loaded up to do extra chores with my free time, but we discussed this early on and it hasn’t been an issue. Open communication is key and checking in with one another regularly is important. I imagine if the partner needed (rather than wanted) to work this might also generate additional challenges. We are planning our joint adventures for when he retires.
How did you decide it was time to go?
I read somewhere recently that “when you, know you know’ – but that is not something I subscribe to. I think this might account for people making expedient decisions after a bad day, one too many long meetings or a hazardous commute. I’d never planned to be an academic for most of my career. I returned for the flexibility of hours and the interesting work when my daughter was young but I always expected to return to the corporate world or to be self-employed. I felt that opportunities were escaping me the longer I left it. I learned a lot as an academic but new surprises or opportunities to expand my thinking were shrinking and my time was largely being absorbed by administrative tasks.
There were also things I was being pulled towards such as creative pursuits and better health behaviours that I found difficult to fit in to the full extent I wanted to experience them. I was ‘dabbling’ but I started to feel frustrated by not being able to fully immerse myself. I recently had the chance to return to academic work for a short-term project and someone asked if I’d missed it – the truth is not really. If anything it made me more certain the timing was right.
How do I keep mentally well?
It might surprise you but even psychologists have bad days and we are not immune to getting stuck or feeling lost or disappointed. We might have well-developed coping strategies but putting them into practice may mean reaching out for help or getting some extra support. As I previously indicated, I like structure, so when something gets in the way of that (e.g. ankle strain) I need to re-group and get back into focus.
That happened this last month. I had to swap my exercise routine and some adventures I had planned with doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, x-rays etc. I really had to focus on the following week to recognise this was a short-term loss and turn my attention elsewhere. I’d like to tell you that I spent the week knocking out a novel or preparing a business plan or designing a workshop but the truth of the matter is I binge-watched “Little House on the Prairie” and quite frankly, after seeing little Laura battle rapids, losing her dog and saving her family from the ravages of scarlet fever it made my problems look pretty small.
So, I took my own advice: “Permission to rest”. Resting is restorative and sometimes achieving less is achieving everything.
Joanne Earl is a Psychologist and Honorary Professor of Psychology and Retirement Planning. You can read more about Joanne’s retirement journey via LinkedIn or visit her website: www.retirementdr.com.au.