Wasn’t it fascinating to watch the papal conclave over recent weeks? The producers of the movie Conclave must have been counting their blessings, as viewers were drawn to their fictionalised version just as the real event was unfolding.
It made me think that many families go through their own kind of conclave after the death of a parent. There might be a Will appointing an executor — hopefully — but what if that person is no longer suitable, perhaps due to ill health, estrangement, or simply being overwhelmed?
The papal conclave lasted just two days and involved 133 highly educated and experienced Cardinals (two were unwell). Throngs packed St Peter’s Square, and millions watched online. A family conclave may be far less public — but it can be just as fraught. Someone has to arrange the funeral, draft the death notice, and write the eulogy — often amid simmering tensions. These decisions can be especially sensitive in blended or second families, where loyalties and histories collide.
Then comes the hard stuff: dividing sentimental items like photos or heirlooms, clearing out the family home, deciding whether to sell or retain investments — all while grieving. And many of these decisions have tax or Centrelink consequences. Adult children, who may never have worked together on anything, are suddenly forced into joint decision-making under stress. It’s a perfect storm.
I recently spoke to Donal Griffin of Legacy Law in Sydney — a highly experienced estate lawyer — and he made an excellent point: “These difficult times are usually better when there are no surprises, and the family has done a fire drill. That way they understand the roles, expectations, and plan. It might seem awkward to organise, but it’s far better done when emotions are lower. And the parent can even have input into what happens after they’ve gone.”
Donal has written a book I highly recommend called Be A Better Ancestor, which is a powerful reminder that our lives are just one link in a much longer chain. The idea is to leave things better than we found them — to anticipate problems and normalise difficult conversations. As Donal puts it: “My clients get great peace of mind from facing up to these inevitable events. Hiding from them just creates more fear. I encourage families to work together while everyone is still alive and alert — and where necessary, bring in an independent executor or informal mediator to head off conflict. No one likes surprises here.”
It reminded me of my own book, Wills, Death & Taxes Made Simple, which covers all of this in plain English — from powers of attorney and advance health directives to who pays tax on death benefits. One of the book’s strongest messages is that planning ahead avoids problems later. The tools are all there — testamentary trusts, super nominations, tax planning — but the real key is communication. A beautifully written Will can be a disaster if no one knows why decisions were made or if beneficiaries feel blindsided. As I often say, the best estate plan is one where everyone knows what to expect.
That’s why I like Donal’s idea of a ‘trial conclave’ — a family meeting where key issues are discussed while everyone is still calm and clear-headed. It might involve appointing someone other than a child as executor or agreeing in advance what happens to the family home. Yes, it may feel awkward at first, but it can bring surprising relief. The deceased may even want to explain their reasoning while they’re still around, which can avoid bitter arguments later.
The other benefit is that it allows time to identify practical hurdles: maybe one sibling lives overseas, another has health issues, or there’s a child with special needs who’ll require ongoing support. These are the kinds of situations where a thoughtful estate plan — and a bit of rehearsal — can make all the difference.
So, my advice is this: have a trial conclave before the real one. It’s not morbid — it’s smart. That way, when the time comes, your family can be present to honour your life, not consumed by conflict. After all, don’t we all hope to rest in peace — and leave peace behind us?
Noel Whittaker is the author of Making Money Made Simple and numerous other books on personal finance. His advice is general in nature and readers should seek their own professional advice before making any financial decisions. Email: noel@noelwhittaker.com.au.