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  •   4 September 2025
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This week, I got the news that my mother has dementia. It came less than two months after my father received the same diagnosis.

I got the phone call about my mother on the same day as my son’s birthday. It turned into a day of jumbled emotions, from joy to sorrow, celebration to mourning, and reflections on getting old to being young and growing up.

I don’t like writing about the private in public because I am a private person. However, I’m partly writing this for selfish reasons: as a form of therapy. Also, though, I think it’s important to have a more open discussion about getting old and preparing for death. It’s something I wish my family did.

A short biography of my parents

My parents are a typical post-World War Two European migrant story. My father arrived in 1961 from Austria, first in Melbourne, then in Adelaide. Not long after, my mother arrived in Adelaide from Austria too.

They met at an Austrian restaurant/bar in Adelaide, got married, and had their first child, my brother, in 1965.

They settled down in the south of Adelaide, in one of the city’s poorer suburbs. My father became a painter and my mother a legal secretary.

I wasn’t meant to come into this world but did anyway, in 1976. By then, my family had moved to a beachside suburb in Adelaide’s west, which was then a middle-class suburb but now is trendy.

Like a lot of migrants, they worked hard and saved hard and managed to secure a relatively comfortable retirement.

In retirement, they didn’t really feel the void left by work, retreating to live a simple life.

How dementia came slowly, and suddenly

My dad’s health has been gradually deteriorating for a decade. He’s had diabetes for a long time and lost his hearing a few years ago. Mentally, there’s been a gradual slide.

His dementia diagnosis therefore didn’t come as a surprise.

What was surprising was he seemed fine with the diagnosis. My mother was more worried, though became more comfortable as my dad ploughed on and seemed his usual self.

I’d noticed a deterioration in my mother’s health, especially her memory and problem-solving skills, over the past 12 months. She’d gone from alert and energetic, to more vague and tired.

Health care consultants who’d been visiting my parents over several months also raised their concerns about my mother.

So, the diagnosis of her dementia didn’t surprise either. Though it’s been harder to take, with two parents having dementia rather than just one, and seeing my mother deteriorate after having been the rock of the family.

Getting prepared for what’s ahead

Dementia isn’t a death sentence and can often be a slow process over many years. Both my parents have early-stage dementia so this could be the case for them too.

I have enough concerns for both of them that things seem more urgent than that. These concerns were heightened by a subsequent call with one of the healthcare consultants who said she believed my dad had progressed from early to moderate dementia since he was first diagnosed.

My dad lost his drivers license upon the initial diagnosis and my mum will soon lose hers. They can stay in their house for now with the help of government services including meals, cleaning, and diabetes treatment. That may change if things get worse.

I have several regrets after receiving this week’s news.

First, there is a lot of guilt about not being able to take care of my parents. My brother and I live interstate and there is no other family that can handle their daily needs. I now feel an immense responsibility to take care of them, like they did for me when raising me.

Second, I wish ageing and preparing for death weren’t taboo subjects in my family. Fear has led to silence on these topics. I feel like a more open discussion could have led to more love and appreciation of moments along the way.

Third, the lack of discussion has resulted in our family not being fully prepared for what’s ahead. On my last trip to see my parents, after months of haggling, I was finally able to get copies of bills that need paying, their wills, passwords for anything online, and access to their bank accounts. I didn’t then organize to become an enduring power of attorney for them, and that has become a more urgent need now.

Through my experiences thus far, my advice on how to handle ageing within a family would be this:

  1. Talk about ageing and death and all that they entail early.
  2. Do it with love.
  3. Ideally, the parents should lead the discussion.
  4. Prepare everything well in advance – wills, powers of attorney, copies of important documents, living arrangements.
  5. Make every moment count.

James Gruber

In this week's edition...

Harry Chemay charts how Australia's 33-year old superannuation system has turned into today's 4.3 trillion behemoth, though it now faces an existential crisis: either preference the retirement phase over asset gathering, or risk regulatory purgatory. He analyses why many funds aren't rising to the challenge, and what they need to do about it.

The recent actions of the US government under Donald Trump – acquiring equity stakes in major corporations – signal a potential shift toward a hybrid model of capitalism. Roger Montgomery asks whether Australia should follow suit and own stakes in the businesses extracting our vast resource wealth, to ensure a better quality of life for all Australians. 

Donald Trump's threats to the independence of the US Federal Reserve seems to have put a rocket up the price of gold. Can it continue? And what could stop its ascent? David Tait offers his thoughts.

Even in countries like Australia that have historically avoided nuclear power, debate over its role in the energy mix has reignited. Capital Group's Jayme Colosimo and team outline four things for investors to keep in mind as they navigate opportunities in the sector. 

Lowering the company tax rate was one of the discussion points at Jim Chalmers' economic roundtable. Peter Swan and Dimitri Burshtein explain why perceptions of our high corporate tax are a mirage, while Jon Kalkman offers an altnerative view, suggesting our current company tax arrangements are fair and equitable.

We live in a noisy world with so much information at our disposal. The best investors know how to filter that information and use their judgment and common sense to produce outsized returns. Leigh Gant details how they do it - and how you can too.

Lastly, in this week's whitepaper, Kevin Hebner of TD Epoch - an affiliate of GSFM - thinks we are in the early innings of an economic rebalancing that cannot succeed without a dramatically lower US dollar.

Curated by James Gruber and Leisa Bell

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22 Comments
Martin Mulcare
September 06, 2025

Here are links to two organisations that also provide relevant resources and support that may be helpful:
https://www.violet.org.au/
https://proveda.com.au/community-programs/dying-to-know/

CLK
September 05, 2025

James thank you for sharing as you navigate this journey which are helpful for many of us beyond the individual personal emotions.
Take courage& take care .

Angela Rempel
September 05, 2025

I was diagnosed 2018 with Parkinson’s disease. My symptoms progressed quickly. Soon i was having difficulty sleeping, speech and even walking short distances. With the help of the PD-5 treatment I have been able to reverse my symptoms using diet, herbs, which i feel has made the most difference. The PD-5 treatment has immensely help overturn my symptoms, since I started the PD-5 treatment my slurred speech and especially the tremors gradually disappeared. it’s has done me a lot of good in terms of balance and ability to walk and get up from chairs. Google www. Uine health centre. net DON’T GIVE UP HOPE!!!

Jon Kalkman
September 05, 2025

James thank you for sharing this difficult issue. It highlights the fact that the loss of mental capacity is an important issue when it comes to running an SMSF. It really needs some early planning because, even though an EPA can stand in as a trustee (depending on the trust deed), it may make sense to simply the investment strategy to make life easier for the EPA. It also raises questions about whether one would close the SMSF and transfer to an APRA fund, and if so, when should that happen.
We spend considerable time planning in estate planning and death benefits, but very little time planning for loss of capacity.

James Gruber
September 05, 2025

Hi Jon,

Agree - loss of capacity is a neglected topic.

All the best,
James

Steve
September 05, 2025

Hi James,
Thank you for highlighting this and more importantly may you and your family have the strength, courage and support you need.
All the best
Steve

James Gruber
September 05, 2025

Hi Steve,

That's very kind, thank you.

James

Pat
September 05, 2025

Hi James,
good on you for bringing this personal issue up. It's pretty confronting. I've been through a similar situation and I found it a tough time with a parent with various forms of dementia and also located in a different state. From experience it really does help to have someone on the ground locally if that is possible. My experience with "capacity" (legally defined) is that it is a variable concept. I'm not a medical or legal person but I suspect the variability in capacity is because medically speaking there are numerous forms of dementia that affect people in different ways. When it comes to capacity, for example, a person may be deemed competent in various parts of their life (maintaining a functioning existence, eating, cleaning etc), and yet they may be completely lacking in "capacity" when it comes to any financial matters (even if once upon a time they were at least ok with finances). Or vice versa. Hope that is of some help. Pat

James Gruber
September 05, 2025

Hi Pat,

Thanks. Capacity is a gray area.

I've found that I could do an Enduring Powers of Attorney and Advanced Care Directive but it may not hold up without medical certification of capacity.

I'll find out from my parents' GP over the next few weeks whether he can sign off on their capacity to sign documents or not.

If he says they are incapable, I'd have to go to a court to get approval.

James

Francis H
September 05, 2025

James, I would not rely on a GP as it is a specialist area. I would get a referral to a Geriatric specialist and particularly one who has a good record of testifying in capacity cases in Court. Their website should give their expertise. Your lawyer may be able to help there. That specialist would be used if you have to go to Court and if they have a good track record in Court the Judge will know that. When my Mother made a new will some years ago I took her to such a specialist and handed the capacity report to the lawyer when we went to do the will and EPA. It is kept with the original documents in safe custody. The EPA should have a conflict clause and power to deal with super, particularly to withdraw super and avoid the death tax. Noel Whittaker's book Wills, Death and Taxes is an absolute must read for everyone and deals with these issues. The best money you will ever spend

James Gruber
September 05, 2025

Hi Francis,

My understanding is that geriatric specialist will hand their scans and assessment to the GP, and I imagine it will have a large bearing on the call on whether my parents are capable of signing legal documents.

The people who work in the geriatric unit and who've seen my parents on a regular basis suggest both of my parents have capacity, though someone more senior will make the final assessment.

James

Simone
September 05, 2025

Hi James,
Good luck to you and your family. A few good points to be reminded of here. Definitely easier to get everything in order when everyone is in reasonable health and potentially easier to have discussions if decline seems further away. It's so easy to put off though, or be avoided isn't it. Thanks for the call to action.
All the best

Margaret Studley
September 05, 2025

A topic affecting many, James, and a concern to many. Brian Hurd has written an excellent book "The Aging Parent Trap". He is a Queensland lawyer but the issues he raises are relevant in principle and State Laws would not vary that much I think . At least one become aware of the questions to ask.
With regard to Advanced Care Directives as mentioned above. They are recognised in NSW now although it has taken many years for the general public to become aware of them.. My husband and I have had one since 2011 and have updated it several times since then as we thought necessary. It includes a section in which we have provided for our instructions to be followed even if we are thought to have dementia. . We also selected the preference to have our doctor sign that we were of sound mind at the time although this is not a legal requirement at this stage. More info and suggested forms can be obtained from State Health departments and Dying With Dignity. Such forms are also good for initiating discussion with family members which can help if later there are disagreements.

James Gruber
September 05, 2025

Hi Margaret,

Thank you for sharing that.

James

Mart
September 04, 2025

James - firstly my thoughts are with you, a horrible situation. The same thing happened with my Mother and Aunt. It was a slow decline then rapid at the end. They were both still in the UK so even though I made fairly regular trips over it was nothing like enough. Your 5 bits of advice are spot on ... but similarly both my Mother and Aunt didn't want the subject of death raised. Ever. The war generation just got on with it and didn't grumble. The most bizarre thing was my Aunt's local council in the UK refusing to deal with us when she was partially under their care when we were trying put formal processes in place to pay her utility bills because we didn't have a POA in place. Eventually they got the data that showed we had been paying them for some time, and realised that far from wanting to financially abuse her the opposite was the intent / reality. I have to say they were fantastic to deal with after that watershed. I wish I had some answers to help you going forward but, above what you've noted, I don't. Dementia, Parkinsons and similar are the most demeaning diseases with the impact mainly being felt but the "victim's" loved ones and friends. I truly hope it works out as best as possible for your Mum, Dad and, of course, you and your Brother and families....

James Gruber
September 04, 2025

Hi Mart,

Thanks for the wisdom and support.

James

James Gruber
September 04, 2025

Hi Ray,

I don't think that is correct.

James

Owen
September 04, 2025

James, you will find it much harder to get a EPA or POA (Uk v Aus language) once the Dementia diagnosis is in place. Regardless, the time is now to get it done. We just got mum's in place recently and the rep was somewhat reluctant to sign off on it until they had a long conversation with mum. If your mum hasn't been formally diagnosed, see if it can be done asap. Hard road ahead my friend. Lean on your friends who will be also mulling the same dilemmas.

James Gruber
September 04, 2025

Hi Owen,

I think you're right on this and am trying to get legal advice now on that point.

In South Australia, there's the EPA for financial and legal decisions, and Advanced Care Directive for medical ones.

James

Ray
September 04, 2025

Once diagnosed with dementia it's too late for the power of attorney.

Jason
September 04, 2025

Ray - it depends on a few factors. Medical professionals, and the courts, recognise that someone may have capacity at different times of the day - such as first thing in the morning but this declines throughout the day, and decisions made during that 'good time' can be accepted.
From what I have heard from people working in this space it is usually best to get a doctor's opinion on the issue of capacity and engage with someone who specialises in aged clients and estate planning who also understands the issues if trying to put powers of attorney in place.

Mart
September 04, 2025

Jason - that's correct. We are going through this with one of our older Australian family members at present, onset of dementia with no will made. He is now engaged with a specialist 'elder issues' lawyer and that lawyer works with 2 doctors to assess if the client still has a sound enough mind to make a will, sign POA etc. My understanding was that 2 separate doctors had to provide this OK (or decline to) but I'm not 100% sure on that ....

 

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